Chick Flick Round Up

                                                    Saw that twice

So I decided to get back into movie reviews with a chick flick triple header, 1 movie a night for 3 nights, both to challenge my stamina as well as to see what the hell these movies were about.  One of my friends said that Valentines day was okay, luckily he’s broken up with his girl friend now so I think he will recant.

I started out with She’s Out Of My League because it looked like only a half chick flick, or at least one disguised as a gross out style comedy to get the dudes there with out too much of a fuss.  Well, I don’t even know what to say, that’s pretty much exactly what it was, I mean even movies like Knocked Up have a certain chick flick component, but this one was essentially “what is the brother of the producer of Super Bad made a movie you could bring your girl friend to”  And I’m sure that’s exactly how it was pitched, since any pitch longer than a twitter will require a break for another line of coke so that won’t work.

Anyway, by the time I looked over my notes I realized that A: I have nothing more to say about this movie and B: I can’t write a review that is just 20 un answerable questions.  So I’m just going to post my notes, have fun with that.

She's Out of My League

Jay starts out with over played plea to girlfriend, "like a scientist", snort, 2 years off

Very typical low rent Judd Apatow friends everyone seems like a cheap Jonah Hill or even cheaper Nick Swardson

It appears to be a world where not getting a boner and acting like a retard pulls causes 8s to think about you non stop

She's best friends with heroin overdose chick from Breaking Bad, hope they follow the same plot line

Stupid fat friend talks about Aladdin, cause he's like a little kid

Big shocker, she knows more about hockey than Jay Burachel, it's of course an implied trait as neither of them seem to know anything about hockey

Why are sports scenes critical to romance movies directed towards guys?  Is the chick into sports really the guy fantasy

If this movie was a home video and had not been written it would be pretty good

And she's a lawyer, because why not

Dressed like a waiter and then sees ex-boyfriend who's obviously a douche

Might have the crappiest we just went on a good date song ever

I want to see a movie about a confident, good looking guy get a girl that's totally in his league then they break up after 18 months for no particular reason

She's not retarded hot, I don't get the reactions from every guy in this movie, even if she were has any guy every stammered?

The dinner table seen has a very "we saw Ricky Bobby" flavor to it

How is this family upper middle class?  The dad would be lucky to be a wallmart greeter

Why is it called the slap shot regatta, there's no boats involved at all?  Also, Jay hits a wrister like an 11 year old girl

I know that Jay is the same age as me but he still looks too young to drink wine

The can't get off the coach due to boner move, another classic, is there a way to do a movie like this ironically, of course the dog crotch lick

It just came out was the joke, how could one of the 9 writers not get that right

Missed another come from joke and why is it that dog jizz licking ended their relationship, none of this makes any sense

And what the fuck is up with hard 10

I find oyster in my shorts to be way grosser than any of the really gross things I say, even piss clams

I can't figure out the time-line of this movie, it's as if baseball and hockey are both played in mid July, also this doesn't have special Iron City flavor that makes western Pennsylvania so special

Miss march ball shaving conversation is at least 5 times this funny, strange how that can be

The secret defect better be a dick, if this movie goes Crying Game on me it may be the best movie ever

NO one has ever had this fight, being awesome and good looking I'm pretty sure that's what chicks look for in guys, I've never had a funny safe guy beat me out

I've come to the conclusion that I relate much more to the douche bag ex-boyfriends ever more ass hole best friend in these kinds of movies, like I should be named Blane, Andrew McCarthy in Pretty in Pink is the closest I'll get and I still understand why he is friends with Spader

You have to learn to live up to yourself, you're a 10, that's the retarded moral

Still have a weird goth thing for the other chick, still would like her character better if she asphyxiated while on heroin

Stuck on the plane after the speech was a good move for sure, first clever thing in this shit box

Keep thinking of that Simpsons where they go to Bronson, Missouri:  Hey ma, can get some ice cream; no dice

The crazy ex girl friend has a very 70s hot kinda of thing going, she should stick to period pieces, which by the way is my new candy idea for lesbians

It's nice to see a skinny girl with big boobs, the move away from that is a mistake

That's was shockingly forgettable, wonder how many movies like that come out every year and then just disappear?

Nothing but questions on this movie

Tree Justice

So I’m doing the internet surfing as I’m want to do while I’m supposed to be working and came upon this article from The Salt Lake Trib about a blind man suing the Wienerschnitzel over running into a tree.  Of course this is my kind of story, because I generally hate frivolous law suits, love people walking into trees, especially blind people and will defend Der Wienerschnitzel to the death, mini corndogs are better than sex, and not in the way chicks talk about chocolate being better than sex in some bullshit metaphorical way, they are literally better in every way.

What really made this article is  the opening line by Bob Mims:

All Nathan Reynolds wanted was a hot dog. Instead, as the blind man walked toward a Wienerschnitzel restaurant last year, he got a face full of tree — and severe neck injuries.

It’s like the kind of article that would be in a Will Farrell movie or something, it’s as if he just wrote thinking some editor would say no way we are putting this crap in a real newspaper, but nope, there it is.  This is mostly the reason that I haven’t read a newspaper in years, unless they just become complete self parody like this I think that I might stay out.  The most awesome part though was this wasn’t even the best line to be read, one of the commenters just crushed it.  Since many of you may not read Utah news comments, they are terrible, religious diatribes most of the time so I don’t usually read them but this is different, after 4 or 5 people complain about how law suits like this ruin the economy, blah, blah, blah Utahstufmuffin4 (hard to believe that 1-3 were already take) brings out the heat with “If I was blind, I’m not sure I’d want to eat hot dogs anyway” and then was quickly followed up with Tasm dropping “Why was a blind man walking so fast the he be knocked down when he hit something?”  These were of course followed up with about 10 school teachers types bitching about making fun of blind people and people that have tree induced neck injuries and what not.  But screw them, it’s my goal that all blog commentary be turned into Filmdrunk style nonsense.

Expendables The Movie So Manly it Already got your Sister Pregnant

BANG!

The return to the classic 80s action movie comes back to the earth this Friday.  This doesn’t have any of the crap that modern action movies have, including 3D, anyone names Shia, no one dying, letting bad guys live and other pussy gay marriage crap.  Instead we get Stallone and Lundgren back together for the first time since Rocky IV to bring the pain Ronald Ray-Gun style.  So put on your Ayatollah Asshola t-shirt, which has become strangely relevant again and head to the theatre with your boys and a couple 4-Locos (I think I’m still the only person that has never had these) and leave your girlfriend at home because this movie has been scientifically proven to machine gun down birth control and get her pregnant.

If you happen to not think this movie is kick ass enough, here are the character names that Sly came up with, you little whiny girl:

Cast
   Sylvester Stallone    ...     Barney Ross

    Jason Statham    ...     Lee Christmas

    Jet Li    ...     Ying Yang

    Dolph Lundgren    ...     Gunner Jensen

    Eric Roberts    ...     James Munroe
    Randy Couture    ...     Toll Road

    Steve Austin    ...     Paine

    David Zayas    ...     General Garza

    Giselle Itié    ...     Sandra

    Charisma Carpenter    ...     Lacy

    Gary Daniels    ...     The Brit

    Terry Crews    ...     Hale Caesar

    Mickey Rourke    ...     Tool

TV Round Up

Another feature with another really stupid name, I’ve been trying to write this post for 2 weeks now and finally I’m getting to it and still haven’t come up with a better name than this.

AMC:  Since we all know that AMC has for at least the last 3 years been the best TV network around thanks to Mad Men and their fall hit Breaking Bad is at a new summer season now with a new Mad Men season and the premier of Rubicon.  Since we all know about Mad Men and this season is starting out again to be another great season, I am going to focus on Rubicon.  Rubicon is exactly what AMC would do with a political thriller/spy type show, it is the 3 Days of the Condor to USA’s Girl Spy Thriller’s The World is not Enough.  It has a very film quality look, extremely slow burn and what is obviously about three plots that will at some point meet up, maybe not even in this season.  It’s tense, slow, quiet and fairly interesting, this is exactly the “spy” show that I’ve been waiting for.  As far as Mad Men season 4, awesome, hookers, scotch, Joan, more scotch, working, style going slightly down hill in 1965, and even better straight from Scotland Scotch.

FX and Adult Swim:  I’ve put these together because I find that FX, specifically in Louis has taken off from where Adult Swim started and has made that kind of quirky uncomfortable humor into a viable product for an half hour show.  Specifically the move by Adult Swim to live action shows, Children’s Hospital is the perfect transitional show from the crazy stoner cartoons of Sea Lab and Aqua Teen to an actual cable comedy show, Archer is another example of this in the cartoon realm.  Children’s Hospital is also a great example of web shows and the web show mentality moving to cable.  It combines cheap production and short episodes, 15 minutes or so which Adult Swim has done for years, and the ability for really great comedy actors to convince their friends to do one or two episodes leading to great comedy moments.  Now Louis has these exact kind of qualities, it’s independent in a way TV usually isn’t, edited, written, directed and about everything else by Louis C.K.  It also has the great uncomfortable odd moments, stretching the uncomfortable to before unseen levels, almost the Dogma 95 of comedy.

Premium:  Over on Showtime Liam Neeson will join Laura Linney on a show called The C Word, and Susan Sarandon will be on HBO’s The Miraculous Year, obviously Showtime should work for a trade.  And that is the Charley Sheen Joke of the Night.  Try the lamb.

Art over Money

I know I’m about a month late on this, but someone should give Amerlie Gillette over at the Onion A.V. Club some sort of award for coming up with the idea of Jane Lynch recording a Rifftrax for High School Musical instead of a Glee movie.  I would pay $20 to listen to that, someone give Mike Nelson a call today.  This is a lazy post, I blame your stupid face.

Total Eclipse of a Review

A stunning review of Twilight: Heart Edition by the Foywonder, for anyone that wants to hear a complete evisceration of the Emo Vamp Teen Girl Saga of the Century, head over there, I can’t do any better.